Sometimes when I paint I know exactly what I am doing or what inspired me. Sometimes I just start and see what happens as I begin to work. Tonight I just put paint on canvas the main color is red and then there is blue and white and silver and gold. Each of those colors have meaning red is anger and rage, blue is calm, white is pure, gold is prosperity, and silver is hope. These colors just happened the tubes were on the bed from another painting I was finishing.
I decided those colors would form my background and next would be a dancing woman. As I painted her the title of this painting came to mind, dancing in the chaos. In life so much happens, and when an onslaught of events occur it does seem like a dance. Life can be full of ups and downs. The moment you believe you got it all under control is when you can lose control, lose balance. But when you have a belief in something greater than yourself, when you believe that God will see you through you can believe , have hope for a better tomorrow. Find peace within.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Possession
I will never be one to say I know or understand someone else’s story. I know mine and knowing has given me my own set of ideas for what it means to live in this time. I don’t know everything… hell I really know nothing at all. On my mind today is relationships. I have been on a sabbatical. No men, no sex, no chatting, no hoping or wishing on that aspect of my life. Men perplex me. They say its women that cannot do one night stands or sex only relationships but I don’t believe this to be true. Samantha from Sex in the City oozed sex and yes she had a relationship but sex was the champion in her mind. I mention her to say, women like her really do exist she is not a unicorn. But the issue on my mind is how men believe its women that make sex only difficult when in fact it is men that make sex only difficult. At least in my eyes…
I am a 39 year old woman who has never been married and has no kids, not a unicorn probably a four leaf clover. No relationship I have had has lasted longer than 2 years, you can blame it on my inability to choose Mr. Right, maybe being a little too demanding, my trust issues, this list can go on for a while. In addition to my short relationships, I have the tendency to be in the oddest type of arrangements… lets see there was the titleless relationship (that really went well with my Dad) oh and we lived together, then there was the long term no understanding made but it was a really good long distance situation, I had what I thought was a waiting in the wings jump off that lasted on and off for 12 years, friends with benefits, and a simple understanding. There are probably some other relationship oddities in there but those are the ones that stick out. I made the decision to end a majority of my relationships and the ones I did not end simply fizzled out slowly but surely.
I believe in monogamy, I will never understand why a woman will have several sex partners. Find one good partner and everything should be great. In addition to monogamy, honesty is key to any kind of intimate situation that’s non-negotiable. I am honest to a fault and that is probably another reason I am single but more on that later. So when I end up in these relationships or odd arrangements, I am honest and I do not sleep with anyone else - that’s what the guy for 12 years was for. However, I think the men I have come across have had difficulty in the honesty department not sure about their monogamy I can only be responsible for me.
Honesty, maybe I am too honest and since they feel I am not wanting what they want they move on or I am too honest and its like free reign has come for them to be as foolish as they want to be. I have never been that woman who checks a mans phone, ask him where he has been, stalk their home, go to the job, etc… Nope that’s not me! I am a believer what is done in the dark will come to the light. I am not on his face book page, I don’t even care if we follow each other on social media. I am laidback and honest. But foolishness always strikes and I end up with the fool who thinks he is a player programming me into his phone as Gary I guess because I am the other woman all the while he is claiming to me its just ME and HIM. Right! Laidback has its faults but I am not changing who I am, so after a hiatus from dating at some point again I end up with another man who insists he is all about me and clarifies that I should only be about him. Ride by my home, job, likes to know every other move I make. Come to find out at the end, I again was the other woman and he is a man whore! Picture that !
These were relationship situations, I am his woman and he is my man. Those have been some of my worst situations with crazy endings and outcomes. I still say my best relationship was the one without titles. I think the problem there was I was rebound girl. I was also young, fresh out of college. Another relationship the man seemed mentally abusive but that is a story for another day, the underlying theme of all my relationships seems to be possession. Whether it is a true relationship, a situation of sorts, even in the space of honesty I seem too carefree or illusive. The “situation” that ties it all together was a man I had been bed partners with on and off for 12 years.
I had known him since I graduated from college, at that time I was young and naïve thinking we may turn in to a love thing. We would lose touch with each other sometimes months other times years but the sex was good and it was nice to kick it with him when I was between relationships. It seemed to be a no questions asked, no anticipated love thing we exchanged niceties asked about each others families caught up on my life changes and he updated me on his going ons, travels, weddings he attended. We would carry on for about a month or so and I would float back out of his life. I NEVER asked about his relationships and honestly did not even feel as though he truly respected me as a woman (a topic for another day). It was what it was, I was even maturing into a mental state where I felt this type of arrangement was not good for me in the long run and I sent him a message saying as much but in no way was I attempting to be his girl. At the end of the day when our situation ended it was because his girlfriend contacted me wanting to know who I was and telling me what he supposedly said. Either way it was drama and I was not in a relationship because I did not want drama so this kind of thing was very upsetting for me. Protect who I am and don’t play games. He did both and I was done.
When my last relationship ended a year and a half ago, I was extremely annoyed. I don’t ask for much but I would like your version of honesty to be honest. Don’t lie about the nature of who I am to yourself, me, or anyone else. A man whore, a jump-off, label it anyway you must but why lie. What is clear is I am indeed honest. You can ride by my home, job, call me or text me and I am doing exactly what I say I am doing. I am monogamous, sorting me out is enough alone. I do not have time to figure out this man, that man, or any man. So in my sabbatical I have considered my relationships trying to figure out what is going on because what has happened is not working for me at all. What has become clear to me is for a man as crass as it sounds pussy is their favorite possession and they will say whatever they have to to ensure that they will not have to share it with anyone else. But not all pussy just their favorite ones. If they find a favorite toy that they like to play with they want to place it in a toy box and lock it up to ensure no one else plays with. And no, it does not matter what the relationship parameters are.
I say this because of the man who thought he was a player playing me, played himself. Couldn’t keep himself straight stalking me and following my car through town - players don’t do that. The man who felt that although he had a girlfriend already needed another one in addition to the harem he built. The guy who rarely sees me but had a pair of my shoes he wouldn’t return for whatever reason, maybe I will never truly know (I eventually got them back) or maybe it was when his girlfriend called me and he claimed I was the clingy chick that I never was (this fact pissed me off!) especially when its him who goes out of his way to seek me out. Maybe it’s the ex-boyfriend that announced he hates when we are arguing because during those times when I am not at his home he can smell my pussy everywhere (yes seriously!).
Pussy possession, its really ridiculous and it doesn’t ride on just the pussy it is the entire package that the men see. It comes out their mouth, when they check in a few months or years later to see if I have taken any act right. They tell me how beautiful I am, I hadn’t aged at all, mention something good I cooked. Places I introduced them to, ask about my artwork, and then in the midst of said conversation they mention how I did when we would do what grown folk do. It is laughable and as they seal the deal for me, no no you won’t be touching this ever again. Possession and as Steve Harvey’s words come through for any man its never over that’s why they do not need closure. Just check on it later, they believe once they had it they can have it again. Possession.
I am a 39 year old woman who has never been married and has no kids, not a unicorn probably a four leaf clover. No relationship I have had has lasted longer than 2 years, you can blame it on my inability to choose Mr. Right, maybe being a little too demanding, my trust issues, this list can go on for a while. In addition to my short relationships, I have the tendency to be in the oddest type of arrangements… lets see there was the titleless relationship (that really went well with my Dad) oh and we lived together, then there was the long term no understanding made but it was a really good long distance situation, I had what I thought was a waiting in the wings jump off that lasted on and off for 12 years, friends with benefits, and a simple understanding. There are probably some other relationship oddities in there but those are the ones that stick out. I made the decision to end a majority of my relationships and the ones I did not end simply fizzled out slowly but surely.
I believe in monogamy, I will never understand why a woman will have several sex partners. Find one good partner and everything should be great. In addition to monogamy, honesty is key to any kind of intimate situation that’s non-negotiable. I am honest to a fault and that is probably another reason I am single but more on that later. So when I end up in these relationships or odd arrangements, I am honest and I do not sleep with anyone else - that’s what the guy for 12 years was for. However, I think the men I have come across have had difficulty in the honesty department not sure about their monogamy I can only be responsible for me.
Honesty, maybe I am too honest and since they feel I am not wanting what they want they move on or I am too honest and its like free reign has come for them to be as foolish as they want to be. I have never been that woman who checks a mans phone, ask him where he has been, stalk their home, go to the job, etc… Nope that’s not me! I am a believer what is done in the dark will come to the light. I am not on his face book page, I don’t even care if we follow each other on social media. I am laidback and honest. But foolishness always strikes and I end up with the fool who thinks he is a player programming me into his phone as Gary I guess because I am the other woman all the while he is claiming to me its just ME and HIM. Right! Laidback has its faults but I am not changing who I am, so after a hiatus from dating at some point again I end up with another man who insists he is all about me and clarifies that I should only be about him. Ride by my home, job, likes to know every other move I make. Come to find out at the end, I again was the other woman and he is a man whore! Picture that !
These were relationship situations, I am his woman and he is my man. Those have been some of my worst situations with crazy endings and outcomes. I still say my best relationship was the one without titles. I think the problem there was I was rebound girl. I was also young, fresh out of college. Another relationship the man seemed mentally abusive but that is a story for another day, the underlying theme of all my relationships seems to be possession. Whether it is a true relationship, a situation of sorts, even in the space of honesty I seem too carefree or illusive. The “situation” that ties it all together was a man I had been bed partners with on and off for 12 years.
I had known him since I graduated from college, at that time I was young and naïve thinking we may turn in to a love thing. We would lose touch with each other sometimes months other times years but the sex was good and it was nice to kick it with him when I was between relationships. It seemed to be a no questions asked, no anticipated love thing we exchanged niceties asked about each others families caught up on my life changes and he updated me on his going ons, travels, weddings he attended. We would carry on for about a month or so and I would float back out of his life. I NEVER asked about his relationships and honestly did not even feel as though he truly respected me as a woman (a topic for another day). It was what it was, I was even maturing into a mental state where I felt this type of arrangement was not good for me in the long run and I sent him a message saying as much but in no way was I attempting to be his girl. At the end of the day when our situation ended it was because his girlfriend contacted me wanting to know who I was and telling me what he supposedly said. Either way it was drama and I was not in a relationship because I did not want drama so this kind of thing was very upsetting for me. Protect who I am and don’t play games. He did both and I was done.
When my last relationship ended a year and a half ago, I was extremely annoyed. I don’t ask for much but I would like your version of honesty to be honest. Don’t lie about the nature of who I am to yourself, me, or anyone else. A man whore, a jump-off, label it anyway you must but why lie. What is clear is I am indeed honest. You can ride by my home, job, call me or text me and I am doing exactly what I say I am doing. I am monogamous, sorting me out is enough alone. I do not have time to figure out this man, that man, or any man. So in my sabbatical I have considered my relationships trying to figure out what is going on because what has happened is not working for me at all. What has become clear to me is for a man as crass as it sounds pussy is their favorite possession and they will say whatever they have to to ensure that they will not have to share it with anyone else. But not all pussy just their favorite ones. If they find a favorite toy that they like to play with they want to place it in a toy box and lock it up to ensure no one else plays with. And no, it does not matter what the relationship parameters are.
I say this because of the man who thought he was a player playing me, played himself. Couldn’t keep himself straight stalking me and following my car through town - players don’t do that. The man who felt that although he had a girlfriend already needed another one in addition to the harem he built. The guy who rarely sees me but had a pair of my shoes he wouldn’t return for whatever reason, maybe I will never truly know (I eventually got them back) or maybe it was when his girlfriend called me and he claimed I was the clingy chick that I never was (this fact pissed me off!) especially when its him who goes out of his way to seek me out. Maybe it’s the ex-boyfriend that announced he hates when we are arguing because during those times when I am not at his home he can smell my pussy everywhere (yes seriously!).
Pussy possession, its really ridiculous and it doesn’t ride on just the pussy it is the entire package that the men see. It comes out their mouth, when they check in a few months or years later to see if I have taken any act right. They tell me how beautiful I am, I hadn’t aged at all, mention something good I cooked. Places I introduced them to, ask about my artwork, and then in the midst of said conversation they mention how I did when we would do what grown folk do. It is laughable and as they seal the deal for me, no no you won’t be touching this ever again. Possession and as Steve Harvey’s words come through for any man its never over that’s why they do not need closure. Just check on it later, they believe once they had it they can have it again. Possession.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Nothing much to say on an otherwise normal friday...
Ok. So now blogging is like this extremely popular thing to do, where you post stuff that is on your mind and sometimes others may read. Hmmmmmmmm interesting.
I figured I would try it and maybe I won't get tired of and bored and lose focus on this new endeavor. We'll see.
TGIF!!!!
I figured I would try it and maybe I won't get tired of and bored and lose focus on this new endeavor. We'll see.
TGIF!!!!
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